(no subject)

[shangba]

( Midday, past lunch observed with Xichen: )


How fared the children this morning?

Comments

[emperorssmile]

You keep my evenings exciting already.

I wouldn’t say no to adventuring during the day. I’ll strap Liang to my chest and hike around the places adjacent to Cloud Recesses that I haven’t seen yet.

[shangba]

We have a carer now to assist Wei Ying.

[emperorssmile]

I won’t do anything too dangerous with him. I don’t mind bringing him with me sometimes.

[shangba]

He does not limit you?

[emperorssmile]

Sometimes I had to skip playing around because of him, but that’s why we hired the nursemaid for him, isn’t it? I still want to spend time with him, but I like the freedom to choose what I do, too.

[shangba]

As long as you do not feel constricted.

[emperorssmile]

I don’t! Not anymore.

To be honest, I miss the little one when I’m out without him. But I didn’t like feeling like I had to be with him all the time.

[shangba]

You require time to breathe without him. Or me.

[emperorssmile]

Maybe so. Do you need time away from me? I know I can get on your nerves when you need peace.

[shangba]

In truth... I take such time with morning.

[emperorssmile]

So you’re rested and recharged for me when I wake up.

When we spend too much or too little time together, we sometimes rub each other the wrong way. It’s tricky to balance it.

[shangba]

That which is cure in one quantity is poison in another.

[emperorssmile]

I could use a dose or two of Lan Zhan tonight.

I need to remember how to be me when I’m alone. I think I rely on being with you more than is beneficial to either of us.

[shangba]

Elaborate.

[emperorssmile]

Which part?

I feel almost afraid to be alone. I never used to be like that. I guess that’s when the more unpleasant memories I have surface. I can keep them at bay for the most part when we’re together. It feels… oppressive.

It’s unhealthy, isn’t it? I get defensive when anything comes up that would separate us for more than a shi or two. I can’t sleep when you’re not next to me.

[shangba]

You have not made peace with yourself.

[emperorssmile]

You make it sound easy.

I’m not sure what I need to do to change it.

[shangba]

Has time assisted at all?

[emperorssmile]

It seems like it’s made it worse…

[shangba]

Perhaps... Wei Ying requires more time alone.

[emperorssmile]

But that’s what I don’t want.

Let’s just wait until we have to be separated for some reason and remind me of this conversation.

[shangba]

What we want need not be what we need.

[emperorssmile]

Can’t we wait for a little while?

Maybe we can build the house this year after all and I can spend some nights alone there.

[shangba]

...does the thought already seed panic?

[emperorssmile]

Yes.