wuding | (no subject)

Do my absences for night hunts frighten you?

Like I said, I can't really sleep without you in bed with me.

I don't know if I'd call it frightening, but it's not exactly pleasant, either. As long as I can keep myself distracted, I barely notice it other than when I get tired and want to sleep. If I get bored, I can sometimes start to spiral.

What keeps you wakeful? Insecurity? Fear for your life? Memories?

Nightmares, memories, things like that.

I know Lan Zhan will always come back to me.

You fear also when our sons part?

No, not as much. But Liang being there with me helps a little sometimes.

...Jiang Cheng?

What about him?

Because of how things are between us right now, he usually inspires more memories than suppressing them.

I don’t plan on sleeping with him in the same room, but I doubt it would help with the nightmares if I did.

Thought perhaps Wei Ying benefits from the company of people once known.

At times. Not all the memories that surface are bad ones.

It’s just that every time I think of my sister, it always starts with fondness but then I remember the end.

My love. My sweet love.

I’m really messed up, huh? I don’t know how to fix it.

If... I should leave you clothes worn, to sleep in. Liang takes comfort. Perhaps...

I already sneak your clothes out of the laundry on the nights before you leave. It helps some.

...a talisman to infuse my qi?

Lan Zhan, I love you so much.

I think this whole thing is just something I have to figure out how to fix. Maybe instead of trying to suppress and avoid everything I don’t want to think about, I should treat it like any other problem and find a solution.

It’s just a matter of pushing past the discomfort so I can stay objective.

How may I assist you?

Maybe… if you’re there with me while I work on it, I’ll be able to do it.

If I’m on my own, I might just make excuses to avoid it.

Shall we speak of your discomfort more, as it happens?

Maybe? I guess what we’ve been doing hasn’t been working, so maybe doing something different is a good start.

Are you sure you want to see that part of me?

Cannot hide from my husband.

If you don’t want to see me like that, I can try to work on it next time I have a chance. There’s no point in both of us being miserable.

Edited (Misread) 2024-05-18 17:08 (UTC)

No. Together.

You’re sure?

I trust you, Lan Zhan. With my body, my heart, and my soul. I wouldn’t be exaggerating to say you’re the only one I’d ever consider doing this with.

I only ask... if it hurts, tell me.