wuding | (no subject)

(no subject)

( Midday, past lunch observed with Xichen: )

How fared the children this morning?

Oh Lan Zhan, that’s because I never told you about it. It’s not like you can read my mind.

I love you. I love you, but I cannot know you. Even now.

Because I’m not open about everything..?

And because I have learned to sing your body to pleasure, but still fail to know your heart's tells.

I’ll be better about being open with you even when it’s something I’m embarrassed or anxious about, Lan Zhan. I haven’t been treating you with the trust you deserve.

Fault is not your own alone.

It’s not all on you, either. So… agree that it’s both of us?

Agreed.

Maybe thinking of it as a way to be closer to Lan Zhan will help me face everything.

But closeness to me has only deepened your hardships.

How do you figure?

Being close to you fills me with so much joy, Lan Zhan. Sure, we argue sometimes, but what couple doesn’t?

You said having me close has only made it harder when we part.

I didn’t mean it like that. I feel the best when we’re close. It’s the parting that’s the problem.

It would hurt when we part even if we weren’t as close when we’re together.

...shall I consult the library?

What would you look for? How to help your husband face his past? Would there be books about that sort of thing?

I don't know.

But half of my soul hurts, and my sword and guqin are futile.

It couldn’t hurt to look. Maybe if you don’t have anything else going on, you can see if someone’s written about something like this. It will still be a little while before I get home.

We’ll overcome this together. I’m going to need you to be strong for me, because sometimes I might not be able to.