(no subject)

[shangba]

( Midday, past lunch observed with Xichen: )


How fared the children this morning?

Comments

[emperorssmile]

I could use a dose or two of Lan Zhan tonight.

I need to remember how to be me when I’m alone. I think I rely on being with you more than is beneficial to either of us.

[shangba]

Elaborate.

[emperorssmile]

Which part?

I feel almost afraid to be alone. I never used to be like that. I guess that’s when the more unpleasant memories I have surface. I can keep them at bay for the most part when we’re together. It feels… oppressive.

It’s unhealthy, isn’t it? I get defensive when anything comes up that would separate us for more than a shi or two. I can’t sleep when you’re not next to me.

[shangba]

You have not made peace with yourself.

[emperorssmile]

You make it sound easy.

I’m not sure what I need to do to change it.

[shangba]

Has time assisted at all?

[emperorssmile]

It seems like it’s made it worse…

[shangba]

Perhaps... Wei Ying requires more time alone.

[emperorssmile]

But that’s what I don’t want.

Let’s just wait until we have to be separated for some reason and remind me of this conversation.

[shangba]

What we want need not be what we need.

[emperorssmile]

Can’t we wait for a little while?

Maybe we can build the house this year after all and I can spend some nights alone there.

[shangba]

...does the thought already seed panic?

[emperorssmile]

Yes.

[shangba]

I would not relinquish you.

[emperorssmile]

I know. I trust you.

I’ll talk to the aspiring immortal first. We can wait that long at least.

[shangba]

...Wei Ying. I do not speak of days.

Short steps. Perhaps a shichen every three days.

[emperorssmile]

Just that?

Okay, yeah, I can do that much. As long as I still get to lay next to you when we sleep, I can start spending a little time by myself.

[shangba]

You worry me.

[emperorssmile]

Lan Zhan, you don’t need to worry about me.

Being alone sucks, but it’s not the end of the world.

[shangba]

Do my absences for night hunts frighten you?

[emperorssmile]

Like I said, I can't really sleep without you in bed with me.

I don't know if I'd call it frightening, but it's not exactly pleasant, either. As long as I can keep myself distracted, I barely notice it other than when I get tired and want to sleep. If I get bored, I can sometimes start to spiral.

[shangba]

What keeps you wakeful? Insecurity? Fear for your life? Memories?

[emperorssmile]

Nightmares, memories, things like that.

I know Lan Zhan will always come back to me.

[shangba]

You fear also when our sons part?

[emperorssmile]

No, not as much. But Liang being there with me helps a little sometimes.