(no subject)

[shangba]

( Midday, past lunch observed with Xichen: )


How fared the children this morning?

Comments

[emperorssmile]

Can’t we wait for a little while?

Maybe we can build the house this year after all and I can spend some nights alone there.

[shangba]

...does the thought already seed panic?

[emperorssmile]

Yes.

[shangba]

I would not relinquish you.

[emperorssmile]

I know. I trust you.

I’ll talk to the aspiring immortal first. We can wait that long at least.

[shangba]

...Wei Ying. I do not speak of days.

Short steps. Perhaps a shichen every three days.

[emperorssmile]

Just that?

Okay, yeah, I can do that much. As long as I still get to lay next to you when we sleep, I can start spending a little time by myself.

[shangba]

You worry me.

[emperorssmile]

Lan Zhan, you don’t need to worry about me.

Being alone sucks, but it’s not the end of the world.

[shangba]

Do my absences for night hunts frighten you?

[emperorssmile]

Like I said, I can't really sleep without you in bed with me.

I don't know if I'd call it frightening, but it's not exactly pleasant, either. As long as I can keep myself distracted, I barely notice it other than when I get tired and want to sleep. If I get bored, I can sometimes start to spiral.

[shangba]

What keeps you wakeful? Insecurity? Fear for your life? Memories?

[emperorssmile]

Nightmares, memories, things like that.

I know Lan Zhan will always come back to me.

[shangba]

You fear also when our sons part?

[emperorssmile]

No, not as much. But Liang being there with me helps a little sometimes.

[shangba]

...Jiang Cheng?

[emperorssmile]

What about him?

Because of how things are between us right now, he usually inspires more memories than suppressing them.

I don’t plan on sleeping with him in the same room, but I doubt it would help with the nightmares if I did.

[shangba]

Thought perhaps Wei Ying benefits from the company of people once known.

[emperorssmile]

At times. Not all the memories that surface are bad ones.

It’s just that every time I think of my sister, it always starts with fondness but then I remember the end.

[shangba]

My love. My sweet love.

[emperorssmile]

I’m really messed up, huh? I don’t know how to fix it.

[shangba]

If... I should leave you clothes worn, to sleep in. Liang takes comfort. Perhaps...

[emperorssmile]

I already sneak your clothes out of the laundry on the nights before you leave. It helps some.

[shangba]

...a talisman to infuse my qi?

[emperorssmile]

Lan Zhan, I love you so much.

I think this whole thing is just something I have to figure out how to fix. Maybe instead of trying to suppress and avoid everything I don’t want to think about, I should treat it like any other problem and find a solution.

It’s just a matter of pushing past the discomfort so I can stay objective.