return from lanling

[shangba]

A full moon, unblinking.

You did not sleep, to see?

Comments

[shangba]

Yes. To still yourself.

[emperorssmile]

You’re so good to me, Lan Zhan. I was worried at first that we’d have less intimacy cutting out the sex sometimes, but kissing and holding is still intimate and comforting.

[shangba]

Is it... that often that you feel the urge to manipulate?

[emperorssmile]

To manipulate? Is that what I’m doing?

I thought I was giving you a chance to answer for yourself.

I won’t try to seduce you or anything.

[shangba]

We only need pause bedding when Wei Ying or I resort to it to ease our minds or pacify our lover. When we manipulate, however well intended.

Yet Wei Ying worries about our intimacy. Is it... that we manipulate often?

[emperorssmile]

Maybe, maybe not. We’ll see how much we rely on sex as a distraction over the next few weeks.

I was just thinking about the nightmare thing. I always welcome the distraction after waking up from one. I rarely feel as… vulnerable as I do when I wake up from one.

[shangba]

Is it bedding that soothes, then, or the act of being embraced?

[emperorssmile]

I’ll tell you next time I have one when we’re sharing a bed. I think holding me will be alright as long as we’re talking about something.

[shangba]

Perhaps we may speak our intentions. Ask permission.

'May I take you to bed to relieve your nightmares?'

Then, the deed is known.

[emperorssmile]

That sounds good. If my mind doesn’t settle down with just you holding me, I’ll ask for more.

When we’re not together, I usually just stay up for a while. Sometimes with drink, sometimes without.

[shangba]

Liang assists?

[emperorssmile]

I don’t like waking him up because I’m usually more tired than he is. But I watch him sometimes. I take comfort in seeing his little belly expand and contract with his breathing.

[shangba]

How often do nightmares come, when alone?

[emperorssmile]

More often than when we’re together. More than half the nights.

[shangba]

I should have known.

[emperorssmile]

It’s not that bad. Sometimes they’re pretty mild.

No, no, we’re trying to be better for each other. They’re usually bad, but I don’t want you to worry about it.

[shangba]

Any improvement since your name restored?

[emperorssmile]

Not much. It’s mostly just memories.

[shangba]

Would you wish them sealed? Stolen?

[emperorssmile]

I don’t know.

If I could, then I’d sleep better when we’re apart. I’d probably be happier, or at least freer, without the weight of them. But would I still be me if I didn’t remember those things?

[shangba]

You would be a different man.

[emperorssmile]

Lan Zhan loves the man I am. I won’t consider trying to seal the memories.

[shangba]

Wei Ying.

I too sleep poorly in your absence.

[emperorssmile]

How often for you?

I know you’d still love me, so I’m not saying I’ll keep my memories just for you. I love what we have together now.

[shangba]

At times, if I do not see Wei Ying upon waking, I do not know him alive.