wuding | yiling.

yiling.

( He had anticipated silence, nightmarish husking, a slaughter of dust and dreams. A vast, unending emptiness of possibility.

Instead, Yiling surprised him: in the wake of the war that toppled the Yiling Patriarch and his restitution thirteen years after, the village has thrived, a convenient settlement at crossed roads. The markets lack exotic produce or sophisticated offerings, but excel in popularity. Those who must eat will have their fill. The roads accept visitors, bandits still banished by the specter of the Patriarch that is said to still manifest against wrongdoers on his grounds. Yunmeng's commerce is, if not wholly restored, then tentatively rejuvenating.

They arrive on lukewarm morning, Yiling clinging to its suffocating humidity even at the turn of seasons. Begging leave of his retinue, the acting sect leader has entrusted Sizhui and Uncle Qiren to watch over the clan — and now only carries their wares, dragging Little Apple by a soft lead. The donkey trots obediently, sparing unconvinced glances each way as if to transmit that it is an animal debased by these surroundings and prefers a hey of higher quality.

They enter the village, well ahead of Wei Ying's distant cave settlement, on foot &dmash; to vocal offers of carrot, winter melon and... of course he buys a bundle of turnips, paying twice the local going rate, and still not half of what might be charged in Jinlintai. Appeased, the old lady that descended on him withdraws, patting her belly, then her thinning basket of goods, because, ah, what a day.

Lan Wangji, trailing after his husband, is still a little aghast and confused after his ambush. )

I believe they like me here. ( Certainly, they like his silver. )

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[He waits for an answer that doesn’t come. There’s no use forcing it if things are as broken as they feel. He hands off the reins without a protest and he does what Lan Zhan tends to do when things are ill at ease between them and busies himself with showing affection to the only other creature around. He strokes Little Apple’s neck and shoulders. She doesn’t seem to mind it.

And then Lan Zhan says that to him. He doesn’t recall trying to shoo the spirits away from him with those same words. His stomach feels like he ate heavy stones and he’s rooted into place.

It hadn’t been his imagination. Things really are shattered between them.]

Lan Zhan… I… Okay, if you need some space, I’ll stay here, but take Little Apple back to the village. I’ll be alright.

[He won’t be.]

( An instinctive reaction: Wei Ying says he will stay, when they both know Lan Wangji is determined to depart, and his hand coils tightly around his husband's wrist, shackling. On its footsteps, he doubles down, calling forward a talisman — one of Wei Ying's own, the binding one, whose serpentine rope twines across both of their wrists, ensuring they rest together.

Anger burns bright in him, incandescent. He does not raise his voice. Does not require to do so, a contrary chill blooming within. )

You told me, once. Here. Get lost. ( Worse. It will always be worse, somehow, between them, before it is better. They have yet to earn their evening respite. )

Today. Get... lost.

( That was not Wei Ying, Lan Wangji knows. It is a foolish thing to hold his lover accountable for the work of his spirits, yet he cannot help that temptation, how it eats at him. Someone must pay for his hurt.

He tugs Wei Ying's wrist. ) Are we... all right?

[It’s only natural for a prey animal to struggle when it finds itself bound and he’s no different. As soon as the sorcery takes its hold and binds them together, he tugs at it and digs his heels into the ground so that Lan Zhan will have to drag him where he wants him.

Trapped. In the Burial Mounds. Surely, Lan Zhan wouldn’t do this to him. Not here! Not again!

And does he notice that Lan Zhan is tied to him? Not at first.]

I don’t know what you’re talking about! I didn’t do anything!

[He stumbles forward when Lan Zhan tugs him, tripping over his own feet. His heartbeat is erratic and he feels the panic setting in. He continues to pull and struggle.]

Don’t leave me here! Don’t leave me here, Lan Zhan. I’ll be good. I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t leave me here.

( Wei Ying erupting in motion, in violence. Wholly and completely lost, at the mercy of his fear and impulses. It would coax Lan Wangji's compassion on any given day, but now he only answers in kind, anger emboldening him to catch Wei Ying's wrists in his hands and contain him, forcibly.

If only they spoke, perhaps, but Lan Wangji already feels subhuman, white of his teeth showing in the glistening line of a ferocious growl. )

Enough. ( And when has anger ever soothed another? Especially one already descended to shivers and frenzy? He gravitates closer, as if to enclose Wei Ying in his arms, while poor Little Apple breys once at a distance, wishing her humans calm. )

You go where I go. You stay where I stay. No one gets lost.

[Lan Zhan’s anger slashes at his already weakened resolve and he can’t seem to catch his breath. His heartbeats pound in his ears, too fast and frenzied to be reined in. His heart hurts and he feels like he might pass out, but he still struggles.

If it were anywhere but here, he might have been able to hold onto his senses.]

I’m sorry!

[He practically spits it out and his legs feel weak under him. He starts to crumple again, but Lan Zhan’s holding his wrists so he ends up hanging there off of him with his head hanging heavily forward.]

I don’t know — [He chokes on his words, gasping pitifully under the weight of them.] — What you — [It hits him again.] — Want!

[But it doesn’t look like Lan Zhan is going to leave him after all. He’s relieved, but his body hasn’t gotten that message yet. He doesn’t know what’s happening to him, but he knows he doesn’t like it.]

( In the end, his binding talisman proves to be an earnest complication: meaning to drag both arms around his husband, he instead finds he is also drawing Wei Ying's arm with him, preventing his affection. It culminates as an awkward embrace, one arm tightly bound over Wei Ying's shoulders, another, its wrist bound, anchored on his lover's waist.

He catches Wei Ying as much as he bears him upright, assuming the better part of his husband's weight and slipping his mouth over Wei Ying's shoulder, all the better to allow their bodies to mould together: flesh to flesh, warmth to warmth. The sigh that breaks from him all but sunders his flesh. )

...you. All I want. Have ever wanted. You.

( He should kiss Wei Ying or punctuate his confession with a dramatic gesture of affection, but finds himself paralyzed, too petrified by his lover's breakdown to risk any further shock or complication. Their limbs bind together. He holds Wei Ying as close as their position allows. )

Breathe. Breathe.

[He only struggles a little bit longer until he realizes that Lan Zhan’s trying to hold him. The position isn’t exactly comfortable compared to their usual embraces, but it helps ground him. Lan Zhan’s here. He doesn’t want to go separate ways. All he wants is him, which is perfect because all Wei Wuxian wants is Lan Wangji.

The dam on his tears breaks with a choked sob and he curls in on himself, pulling Lan Zhan whenever he moves his arm. Like when he lifts his wrist up to wipe his face.]

Lan Zhan. [His breaths still come in hiccups, but he feels like things are a little better now. Easier.

This has to be some defect of Mo Xuanyu’s body, right? He’s never succumbed to such an affliction before. It almost feels like coming face-to-face with a dog. Only it lasts longer and he doesn’t know what exactly triggered it.

It takes some time, but he recovers under Lan Zhan’s patient care. His bound hand feels a little numb, but he only opens and closes it to encourage blood flow. When he feels like he can speak again, he does.]

All I ever want is you, Lan Zhan.

( And just so, he follows down.

On his collar, Wei Ying's tears. Wei Ying's small fists beating his chest. Wei Ying's fragility made flesh, a man startled, lonesome, lost.

Lan Wangji's tightens around him. Sullenly, slowly, he releases the binding talisman so he might complete the embrace without condemning Wei Ying to a gainless configuration of limbs and misplaced enthusiasm. They are, fleetingly, about to fall into each other, before Lan Wangji draws back and fully lifts his husband in his arms, pillaring his back and the bend of his knees. No better than a doll, he supposes, or an overwhelmed bride.

Do not tell me to 'get lost' again is on the tip of his tongue, but to watch Wei Ying now, he could not bear a further scolding. Later, perhaps. Much later, as Lan Wangji starts a slow-paced return to the village. Little Apple trots behind them, for once wholly obedient, as if sensing the difficulties at hand. )

Sleep. I shall broker an inn and deliver you.

[As soon as his wrist is released, he wraps his arms around Lan Zhan’s neck as if he predicts he’ll be lifted. He rests his chin on Lan Zhan’s shoulder and sighs feeling content in his position even as he feels humiliated from his episode. The important thing is that they’re unified again. That they’re leaving the cursed grounds of his former home.

He thinks about apologizing again for his behavior, but he doesn’t. Nor does he chat away like he had on the way to the Burial Mounds. Lan Zhan urges him to sleep and he thinks that might be a good idea.]

We won’t underestimate the cave again. [His voice sounds wet to his own ears and he clears his throat.] Tomorrow, we’ll focus on protecting ourselves before we try to address what’s going on in the cave. We’ll make a united front against the evils in there until we can release the spirits of the Wen remnants.

[Talking about their plans helps distract him from his conflicted emotional response. They should talk about it, he knows, but it seems like a good idea to wait until they put some distance between themselves and the Burial Mounds.]

( For a time, he only lets Wei Ying speak, content to listen to him: his meaning, his voice, its catches. Attending Wei Ying is an exercise in patience, in learning sobs and silences. Here, now, Lan Wangji's one and true love requires care, company and above all, compassion. )

Shall write to Zewu-Jun. ( Whatever the depth of his brother's seclusion, Lan Xichen would never refuse Lan Wangji his wisdom or assistance. ) There are talismans chain configurations to bolster the energy transmissions.

( And there are, he needn't say, polite and proper uses for the materials gathered in the Forbidden Library.

He continues walking on, only sparing a few cautious glances behind, where Little Apple sidles without complaint — or squeezing his arms to give Wei Ying a pulsing reminder of Lan Wangji's affection. On instinct, he leans in, in a bid to press his mouth on his lover's forehead — but withdraws with a look of scarring uncertainty, ill at ease with assuming his physical affection now is wanted. )

We may pause tomorrow, if you prefer it. Recover your strength.

[So Lan Zhan’s going to contact his brother. It will make his failure known to someone other than Lan Zhan, but that’s fine. Lan Xichen won’t spread the information around to anyone else.]

I’ll think on it tonight, too. Part of invention is trial and error, but I’d rather not go through this again if we can help it.

[Slowly, but surely, he’s starting to feel more like himself. Lan Zhan’s arms around him help and so does the gentle rocking motion of being carried. He only looks up at Lan Zhan when he leans in to… do nothing. He lets go of Lan Zhan with one of his arms so he can touch Lan Zhan’s cheek to guide his face back towards his own so they’re nose-to-nose.]

We’re okay. [He hopes so, at least.] We’re stronger than that cave when we’re together. That’s why it keeps trying to separate us. [Trying and succeeding, he doesn’t say. Lan Zhan already knows.]

( He should let go. He should let go. He should —

But then, Wei Ying's attracting him closer, their noses brush, and he feels overwhelmed by his frustrated impotence, by the gift of his lover's presence — nearly denied.

His teeth grit, mouth souring. He does not look away. )

The cave did not banish me. ( And he lets the hurt of the evening spill into his voice, lets it drench and drown. Is it unfair? Perhaps there is an edge to it that he cannot moderate, a private and unflinching understanding that his grudge sets them on a path of disaster. He looks away once more. )

I love you. But you hurt me.

Edited 2024-10-04 15:44 (UTC)

[He meets Lan Zhan’s gaze, but he doesn’t move to kiss him. He’s waiting to be kissed, but it doesn’t happen. It’s unsettling being so close to Lan Zhan but feeling like they shouldn’t or can’t kiss like they normally would. But he faces it with a bravery he hadn’t been able to show back in the Burial Mounds.]

Wait, are you saying I banished you..?

[Lan Zhan’s looking away again, so he looks down and thinks. Tries to remember the episode he’s just had even though he doesn’t like to. And then it hits him. Get out. It hadn’t been Lan Zhan telling him to go away, it had been Lan Zhan parroting his own words back at him.]

I didn’t mean for you to ‘get out.’ I was talking to the voices.

[But even though he didn’t mean to hurt Lan Zhan, he managed to do it anyway.]

I’m sorry, Lan Zhan. That was the worst thing I could have said. [He may not remember the time after the Nightless City, but he’s heard about it. He knows what he had said to Lan Zhan at that time. He should have known better.]

Can I make it right?

( The... voices. Possible, even probable. Yet he finds himself strangely unaffected by the explanation, unwilling to elevate it to an excuse. No matter the circumstances, to speak those words there — )

...no. ( An ugly thing, a worse refusal. There are things that cannot be taken back. But he peels himself away from his rancor long enough to drop his mouth over Wei Ying's forehead. ) But I am grateful you would wish to.

( That whatever remains between them on this day hasn't been ruptured past the point of no return. He is making good advance toward the first inn that might hopefully retain at least one quarter for impromptu strangers, before he speaks again: )

I do not wish you to cry again.

[He nods his head slowly, accepting that there’s nothing Lan Zhan wishes from him and that there’s nothing he could possibly offer to make things right. He feels hollow. To think that he’d utter those words in the worst possible place to do so. It’s unforgivable, so of course Lan Zhan would hurt.

Maybe he should get down and walk at Lan Zhan’s side or burden Little Apple with his weight instead. But Lan Zhan still kisses his forehead and holds him close to his chest.

They’re not good, but they can get back to good.]

Well, I don’t want to cry again, either. [He keeps his voice lighter than he feels because he doesn’t want to burden his husband with anymore unpleasantness.] But I’m more concerned about you right now. I promise I won’t cry or anything if you want to yell at me. I think I got it out of my system back there at the Burial Mounds.

[They’re attracting an audience now as strangers keep glancing their way. He bristles about it. It’s like they’ve never seen a grown man being carried before!]

When have I wished to scream at you?

( All of outbursts have been eruptive, frustration ill contained. Once upon a time, he might have been the man who did not value his companion enough to moderate himself. Now, he has learned to muzzle himself, to keep his fury restrained.

There is a point, wading through the crowds, when it strikes him that they might be inconvenient — in his arms, Wei Ying is a compact plank that still poses danger to the bustling pace of fumbling men and women, lost between their domestic duties. With a sigh, Lan Wangji draws his husband closer into himself, catching Little Apple's reins in one hand to avoid accusations of his animal run rampant.

The inn is — unflattering, hardly hospitable, bare. Seemingly inconvenienced by the prospect of freshly arrived, unvetted travellers. Some things, Lan Wangji supposes, never change, no matter the recent prosperity of the village. They secure a room at many times the going rate, and feed and shelter for Little Apple, apprehended by the stable hand. There is even a promise of a light dinner, though Lan Wangji has the inspiration to instead request dishes brought over from a nearby restaurant. They can be trusted, he supposes, to bring in a tub and warm bathing water.

Throughout, he holds on to his husband as if to a trophy, content not to relinquish him until they've arrived inside their small, if clean quarter, and he can release Wei Ying onto the tautly spread bed. )

Why did you fear the blood pool so?

I don’t know, sometimes it just helps to get things off your chest. [Had he been encouraging Lan Zhan to take his frustrations out on him to help Lan Zhan or to help himself feel less guilty about it. It’s the latter, he supposes, because Lan Zhan’s right. He doesn’t tend to resort to yelling in most instances of frustration. Gritted teeth and cold snapping, sometimes, but not yelling.

He frowns at people when they give them ugly looks, but he behaves himself despite feeling tempted to call them out with yelling of his own. He and Lan Zhan huddle close as his husband navigates the town and negotiates their price. They’re clearly being ripped off, but Lan Zhan is terribly generous with his funds.]

I wouldn’t say I feared it. [Back on his feet, he goes to the bed to test the mattress with one hand. Firm from heavy use, though he’s used to a firmer mattress these days.] I just… when I saw the way you looked at it, I felt possessive over you. I’ve only ever seen you look at me like that. I didn’t think I was the jealous sort, but I think that’s because you usually don’t give me a reason to feel that way because you only have eyes for me.

I think I know what you saw in there. [He can’t be one hundred percent sure without Lan Zhan confirming it, but it seems fairly obvious.

He keeps his back turned when he continues speaking, looking down at the stained bedclothes. Hopefully they’ve been washed since the last guest.] I was worried you’d see what you really wanted and that I wouldn’t be good enough anymore.

( Wei Ying knows. Of course he does. It strikes Lan Wangji that he had never considered the possibility of his husband questioning the vision. In truth, there can only ever be a single person who elicits so much of his attention, his interest. They both know so.

As Wei Ying sits down, he walks the room, quietly inspecting each corner for atypical magical signatures, before inserting their protection wards and adding one to dispel nightmares, to the best of its modest ability. They never quite seem to capture the worst of Wei Ying's torments, but might perhaps take the edge off his agony. So he hopes, low crackling in the air pronouncing his deed done.

Then, finally, he drifts towards his lover, dripping down to kneel before him, hands obediently settling on the thin, bone-jutting peaks of Wei Ying's hips. Holding him. Holding on to him. )

Would I prefer you in your body gone? Is that your question? Think, whether you wish your answer.

[After a few moments when his words don’t get an immediate answer, he hazards a glance at his husband and ends up watching him set up the wards he’d usually be in charge of. He trusts in Lan Zhan’s abilities enough to not nitpick anything, feeling grateful instead that he can sit down. He’s exhausted, but not to the point of needing to sleep right away.

He watches all the way until he’s approached and held onto. He looks Lan Zhan in the eyes and doesn’t try to force himself to be light and airy.]

I already assumed to know what your answer would be.

[His smile edges into sadness. Resignation.]

I was ten times more attractive back then, so it’s only natural to prefer that body over this one. But this one’s all I’ve got, so it’s not like your preference would change anything. Even if we could find all the pieces of my first body, I’d be more like a fierce corpse with my consciousness intact than a living human.

[It’s so much easier to think things through logically when they’re safe in town. If he’d been in the right state of mind back there, he would have realized that even if Lan Zhan would prefer his old body, it wouldn’t change anything.]

( Ten times more attractive. The smile that erupts on his face pulls his mouth taut, even. His is wild, if sedate laughter, wickedly fond when he pushes up abruptly to press his mouth to Wei Ying, before descending to kneel again. What a devil of a man, a beast of a husband. )

Vain. ( Of all of the Yiling Patriarch's alleged sins, none of his detractors would have guessed this one would be foremost. Only Lan Wangji can confirm it — Lan Wangji who knows him.

Speaking again, he mounts his hand to chase hairs away from Wei Ying's face, thumbs running the depth of his dark circles. )

I would have preferred you in that flesh. The visage of my first love. A man I would wish to save, once and forever. ( A pause, unerring. ) I worship this body, also. A second love. The flesh in which Wei Ying returned my affection.

[Pleasantly surprised by Lan Zhan’s mirth, he cracks more of a genuine smile back at him. The kiss is good, too, as all kisses from Lan Zhan are good, but it’s the laughter that breaks the curse that’s been plaguing him since they first went into that cave.

He tilts his face into Lan Zhan’s hand, kissing his palm. This is all the reassurance he needs, but his husband is generous with more than just his money and speaks his praises.]

I wish I could have given you love in that body. [So many tales about his lecherous ways, yet he died a virgin.] But a first kiss is better than nothing.

[He lifts his hands and cups Lan Zhan’s face between them.] All I can give you is this body, and I’m glad I have it for you. If I figure out a way of getting the other one back, I’ll let you know. I’m pretty sure it’s not possible, so don’t get your hopes up.

( All I can give you. As if Wei Ying's company is not the ultimate gift, as if Lan Wangji were shortchanged. He means to laugh, to discourage his husband's self-deprecation — but this does not feel the hour for humour easily read as cruelty.

Instead, obediently he melts into Wei Ying's touch, leaning in only to claim another fleeting kiss, less amorous than exploring and reassuring. He is here. They are well. A world spreads tired and dark outside of the safe confines of this room and their marriage. )

I would sooner you find a way to grow a womb. ( And to think they thought of Lan Wangji as lacking in jests. ) Wei Ying. Your body pleases me. I do not settle for it. I could not — physically. Falsify my enthusiasm.

[It feels good to see Lan Zhan relax under his touch after the toils of the day. Almost as much as he likes when he’s kissed. More reassurances. He leans forward and presses a kiss to his husband’s forehead and scoots closer to the edge of the bed. Closer to Lan Zhan.]

I’d bear you a dozen children if I had a womb. [Smiling, he presses their foreheads together so they’re close enough to breathe each other in. It’s comforting.]

You’re right, Lan Zhan. I wasn’t thinking rationally when we were in there. I’m sorry for doubting you, Lan Zhan. [Because that’s what it all amounts to, isn’t it? If he hadn’t had his doubts, he wouldn’t have been affected.] It won’t happen again. I don’t have anymore doubts.

No need for apologies or thanks between us.

( The old rule, a by-gone superstition, wholly juvenile. Mere manners will not spell the signs of another parting. But he clings to the intimacy that the arrangement promises, clings to Wei Ying before them, clings to the truths between them. )

Wei Ying. You accepted a man, despite years of flirtation with women alone.

( At least, overt steps. In retrospect, there is perhaps something to be said of the ease with which Wei Ying gave chase to the second Jade of Lan, a decidedly male possibility. )

You sheathe me in your body each night, for all you once doubted such surrender. ( An all too enthusiastic yielding, once all is said and done. )

What is my enjoyment of a beautiful body, compared to your concessions?

[He keeps touching Lan Zhan’s face and neck, smiling more as Lan Zhan keeps speaking. He doesn't think of any of those things as concessions, but he can see where Lan Zhan is coming from. He had always known Lan Zhan to be handsome, but he’d never entertained the thought of bedding him until after his resurrection.]

Don’t be silly, Lan Zhan. You know how I am. I just do what feels natural to me and that’s loving you. [He tilts his head up kisses Lan Zhan’s forehead, then his nose, then he brushes his lips over Lan Zhan’s.]

I love you. I think I always have in some ways; I just wasn’t ready to entertain the thought of being with a guy back then. I wasn’t really thinking about sleeping with any of the girls I flirted with, either. You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted to be with like this.

[He licks his lips before kissing Lan Zhan again and again, sprinkling elated affection onto his husband’s mouth. It feels good to be half of a soul greeting its other half.]

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