[He nudges Lan Zhan’s throat with his nose, then he shakes his head as he starts to speak.]
I did. After what happened with Jin Zixuan, I did. [He doesn’t bother calling him a peacock for this. Even to him, that would feel too tacky.] And then again at the Nightless City where… you know, when I lost my shijie, I regretted it.
[He turns his head a bit and kisses Lan Zhan’s shoulder blade before he lifts his head and looks down at Lan Zhan. His vision is accustomed to the darkness now, but he still can only see a vague outline of Lan Zhan’s face.]
I don’t regret it now. It brought us together, no matter how hard it was to go through, I’d do it again because I wouldn’t want to live in a world where we’re not together.
( Jin Zixuan. Jiang Yanli. A host of other, inevitable sacrifices. Wei Ying's hands might not glisten with blood, but he has laid claim to his share of it, and Lan Wangji, shivering under his lover's mouth, can never wash away his pain.
Even now, humbled by Wei Ying's affection, he only nods and sighs and welcomes him with open arms, unable to offer him better salvation. )
Nor I. ( A pause, fleeting. Then, with inevitability: ) But a life with your sister might have been kinder.
( For all Jiang Yanli would probably have steered her brother away from his hurts, his vengeance, his outbursts — and the death and rebirth that ultimately reunited him with Lan Wangji. But would that have been such a wretched fate for Wei Ying? He suffered too much too swiftly.
Although he basks in some comeuppance now, he will never forget the cost at which that reward came. )
Kinder, maybe. Lonelier, too. She would have moved to Carp Tower eventually. And I didn’t have a great opinion about love before you. I can’t imagine why that would have changed.
[He shakes his head again, his hair falling across Lan Zhan’s shoulder as he leans over him. If he could go back in time to change anything, he would have never gone to Jinlintai to see his sister before he confronted the rest of the clans. It had always been a suicide mission even before he lost her and with her loss, the last of his control.
He doesn’t want to think too much about this right before bed. It tends to invite the nightmares.]
It wouldn’t just mean losing my future with you. We would have never known Sizhui or Liang.
[He leans down and touches the tip of his nose to Lan Zhan’s.] I don’t regret it. [He presses his lips to Lan Zhan’s, but he keeps it short, pulling back but still within Lan Zhan’s range in case he wants more.] If I had to do it all over again, I’d endure it so I could get back to you.
( His beautiful love, his only soulmate. Their noses shift and battle and collide, and he breathes in the scent of his husband's beauty, body undulating only to swallow the light movements of Wei Ying settling above.
Their kiss barely ends his spasms, itself too abrupt for Lan Wangji's appetites but likely the balm they need after heated lovemaking. Years on, he has come to trust Wei Ying with their bodies, to no longer over-direct and take command. Wei Ying too has learned to pace them.
They mirror each other, balance out, fill each other completely. )
I regret no part of this, but Father's passing and your sorrow. ( And softened: ) I am too selfish to not do as I did before, in a second life.
[He smiles while he listens, kissing Lan Zhan’s cheek and jaw just because he hasn’t satisfied his own desire for affection. He aches for his husband’s losses like he aches for his own, but what’s done is done. They’ve lived with regrets for too long already and although he does regret a few things still, he feels lighter for having talked about it.]
I love you, Lan Zhan. I know I say it all the time, so you’re used to hearing it by now, but I really do love you.
[He lays his head down on Lan Zhan’s shoulder again, nosing at his neck. He’s physically exhausted, but his mind is alert. It’s tempting to seduce Lan Zhan for some more lovemaking, but he can behave himself. Lan Zhan’s been traveling for days and it’s well past Lan sleeping hours, so he holds back.]
I’m happy. We went through a lot but we found each other in the end. Let’s give our kids the lives we should have been given. No more regrets.
[No more wars. No more losses. Just a peaceful life filled with joys and stability.]
( He murmurs in kind, and they come together in a peaceful bind, arms and legs tangled amud the reassiring beat of Wei Ying's living heart. Lan Wangji wishes to comfort and stroke him, to bring him more relief, but there are some hurts than simple man can't heal.
Jiang Yanli, the Wen, Jiang Chemg's victims. They will live in hollowed memory, even as Lan Wangji's arms tighten further around his husband, and they succumb to blissful sleep. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
I did. After what happened with Jin Zixuan, I did. [He doesn’t bother calling him a peacock for this. Even to him, that would feel too tacky.] And then again at the Nightless City where… you know, when I lost my shijie, I regretted it.
[He turns his head a bit and kisses Lan Zhan’s shoulder blade before he lifts his head and looks down at Lan Zhan. His vision is accustomed to the darkness now, but he still can only see a vague outline of Lan Zhan’s face.]
I don’t regret it now. It brought us together, no matter how hard it was to go through, I’d do it again because I wouldn’t want to live in a world where we’re not together.
no subject
Even now, humbled by Wei Ying's affection, he only nods and sighs and welcomes him with open arms, unable to offer him better salvation. )
Nor I. ( A pause, fleeting. Then, with inevitability: ) But a life with your sister might have been kinder.
( For all Jiang Yanli would probably have steered her brother away from his hurts, his vengeance, his outbursts — and the death and rebirth that ultimately reunited him with Lan Wangji. But would that have been such a wretched fate for Wei Ying? He suffered too much too swiftly.
Although he basks in some comeuppance now, he will never forget the cost at which that reward came. )
no subject
[He shakes his head again, his hair falling across Lan Zhan’s shoulder as he leans over him. If he could go back in time to change anything, he would have never gone to Jinlintai to see his sister before he confronted the rest of the clans. It had always been a suicide mission even before he lost her and with her loss, the last of his control.
He doesn’t want to think too much about this right before bed. It tends to invite the nightmares.]
It wouldn’t just mean losing my future with you. We would have never known Sizhui or Liang.
[He leans down and touches the tip of his nose to Lan Zhan’s.] I don’t regret it. [He presses his lips to Lan Zhan’s, but he keeps it short, pulling back but still within Lan Zhan’s range in case he wants more.] If I had to do it all over again, I’d endure it so I could get back to you.
no subject
( His beautiful love, his only soulmate. Their noses shift and battle and collide, and he breathes in the scent of his husband's beauty, body undulating only to swallow the light movements of Wei Ying settling above.
Their kiss barely ends his spasms, itself too abrupt for Lan Wangji's appetites but likely the balm they need after heated lovemaking. Years on, he has come to trust Wei Ying with their bodies, to no longer over-direct and take command. Wei Ying too has learned to pace them.
They mirror each other, balance out, fill each other completely. )
I regret no part of this, but Father's passing and your sorrow. ( And softened: ) I am too selfish to not do as I did before, in a second life.
no subject
I love you, Lan Zhan. I know I say it all the time, so you’re used to hearing it by now, but I really do love you.
[He lays his head down on Lan Zhan’s shoulder again, nosing at his neck. He’s physically exhausted, but his mind is alert. It’s tempting to seduce Lan Zhan for some more lovemaking, but he can behave himself. Lan Zhan’s been traveling for days and it’s well past Lan sleeping hours, so he holds back.]
I’m happy. We went through a lot but we found each other in the end. Let’s give our kids the lives we should have been given. No more regrets.
[No more wars. No more losses. Just a peaceful life filled with joys and stability.]
no subject
( He murmurs in kind, and they come together in a peaceful bind, arms and legs tangled amud the reassiring beat of Wei Ying's living heart. Lan Wangji wishes to comfort and stroke him, to bring him more relief, but there are some hurts than simple man can't heal.
Jiang Yanli, the Wen, Jiang Chemg's victims. They will live in hollowed memory, even as Lan Wangji's arms tighten further around his husband, and they succumb to blissful sleep. )